I essentially felt like an Elf stepping into a city.

I sat in my quiet time this morning watching wave bows spray their brief colored blessings. In deep reflection, I unpacked my emotions and insights from my afternoon spent with a Circle of Sisters. Each Being carrying a unique gift. I dared to step into an underbelly space with my thoughts. No one can escape their childhood – no one can. Mine was safe and wonderful with my family but we moved around a lot. I went to six schools in different towns, and it branded me. It left a mark on my personality. I would always be the new one, and to overcome that I made many masks to wear, to gain the acceptance of my peers, funny, articulate and on the face of it quite adjusted. Yet, I went home, buried myself in books, did not join in the madness of teen parties and essentially felt like an Elf stepping into a city. My own manner of being spiritual was also foreign to the body of Calvinists and Catholics. Wicca was my rhythm, it came naturally... so the setting apart became something deliberate perhaps. It became something I could carry with me where ever we went, the Blue Spaceship of home would always be with me and nurture me. 

I carried the masks deep into my adulthood. It is only in my later years that I have begun to find my authenticity, dropped my masks and have become who I actually am. A quiet person, prone to deep reflection, solitary. Since leaving my corporate job two years ago, I have fundamentally been a hermit since… just finding my voice. It’s a still one, my Medicine is silence…

And there I sat on the lawn, the newbie again, in a circle of people who have walked a path with one another and I felt the same things arising again. I found myself exercising my lack of masks, being still and only really speaking when it was called for. I wondered what I could bring to these women? What authentic little Light am I? How may I serve this little community?

The afternoon was spent observing the other Lights around me. That is what I do, I See. Each women’s own Beingness shone through in the art that they created, each one bringing something so real and vulnerable really. It has given me great reassurance. I will begin to find a way of living into the world again with these sister. I look forward to being a part of the Whole they seem to bring. I am grateful… 

Silver ocean butter yellow bright sun.

The wind makes a particular noise when it whistles through a fence. I stopped a while and listened to this tune wistfully joining the bird song. I was aware of the absence of inner noise and smiled. About 25 years ago when I first began to meditate, I clamored to still my mind. In exasperation one day, I sat in the middle of the lawn. Breathed in the smell of drying grass and began to listen. First I listened to the closest things, man, nature, dog, children all the noises in the street. Then I began to listen further and further away and click… I was gone. When I eventually came back into the noise of my mind, I made a mental note never to forget this day. The wonder of finally finding my tool to quieten.

Walking meditation remains my favourite, I reach heightened senses of not being here but being perfectly in the now. Today I had a restlessness, an ache, so I took off. The recipe the same. First I listen to my footfalls. The crunch of gravel beneath my feet, then my clothing, jeans rustling, breath aware. Then I stretch away and begin moving away from self.

 It was still when I began to walk, but by the time I reached the long fence that divides Scarborough from the Cape Point Nature reserve, the had wind picked up. A Bokmakirie sang the duet I love so, and then a whistle, through the fence, a low tune, picking up with the rustle of the bushes, leaves and sand adding its low music. It felt like I was privy to the start of an orchestra that sang for my ears alone. My tummy flipped in delight. I continued my walk starting again at footfalls, and by the time I had reached the beach, I was perfectly here now with ocean crashing and the wavebows catching the setting sun. Silver ocean butter yellow bright sun.

Thoughts briefly came in the peace state, calling in:

Serpent of the South, Water and Humbleness

Lion of the West, Fire and Courage

Horse of the East, Earth and Power

Eagle of the North, Air and All seeingness

May I embody all of you

And the phalanx of Ancestors on my left, my Matriarchal and the right Patriarchal. All joined in one moment, all present now…The walk home was done in an utter thoughtless space and I reached my wooden cottage before I knew it… so thankful for that simple lesson that I learned and still love to use.